Christmas eve was always a very big deal when I was growing up.  It was a sacred evening full of wonderment and spiritual renewal. Christmas morning on the other hand was joy abounding, silliness, lots of presents and love. I carried on the tradition when I became a mother and so I have many cherished memories of this special day.

This year was going to be different. My daughter was out of the country and unable to renew her passport in time for Christmas. This, in addition to the recent dissolution of a twenty year marriage, meant I had to recreate Christmas day without my intimate family. It was remaking Christmas morning morning that I feared the most.

I woke when it was still dark and with candlelight I watched the sunrise and listened to Christmas music. There were no Christmas stockings this year. It wasn’t the stockings I missed but the snuggling in bed that went along with them. I surprised myself and felt a little guilty when I decided to put on my favorite Christmas movie, It’s a Wonderful Life.  I realize now it was my craving for family.  Somehow Jimmy Stewart has always seemed like family to me.

Afterwards I focused on communion with self and nature. This meant enjoying my beautiful garden, practicing yoga and meditation and finally meeting up with friends in the afternoon for a hike.

My mantra for the day became “I am marrying myself.” The relationship with self is such an important starting place for all relationships and as an empty nester I am rediscovering myself. The day was beautiful and there was absolutely no discord. If, in fact, I was marrying myself, it’s a marriage that is harmonious and self nurturing. Both excellent affirmations for the New Year!

Often what initially appears simple has instead multiple layers of understanding. Like an onion it is our task to peel off the skin until we get to the heart of the matter.   Non-attachment is such a concept for me.

What is it to love with non-attachment? I believe it is complete appreciation for the presence of our loved one in the here and now, without concerns or expectations for the future. It means complete freedom, not only for the object of our love but also for ourselves.

How does this principle play out in real life? It starts with good  boundaries.  Suppose my partner is inattentive to my needs? What is my best reaction to facilitate a loving outcome? Complaining to someone is usually perceived as judgement. Most people run from judgement. If instead I recognize meeting my needs is my own responsibility then I find other sources for love and connection.  Although his lack of attention might disappoint me, I do not hold him responsible for my unhappiness because my life is rich in love and meaningful activities.

I can imagine this type of love might be baffling to a traditionalist. After all in our wedding vows we bind ourselves with words promising union until “death do us part.” I believe over a lifetime this binding contract can cause underlying resentments and even disease. In order for love to flourish it must be free to grow.

Non-attachment means something different for each one of us. Find out for yourself.  Sit quietly, light a candle and ask the question what does loving with non-attachment look like to me? Then listen for ten minutes and the answer will come. It is my guess that, like me, your first  response to this revelation will be a sense of joy and freedom.